On Monday night, on my way home after attending a reguregu,
I made a detour to by some bread for the family for the next day. I must
commend the baking fraternity on the general freshness of most bread which
allows us to enjoy our "fresh bread na noa". Given the late hour, I
wasn't surprised to find my family's preferred bakery closed and so I continued
a little further to Raiwaqa's popular bakery.
Coming out after making my purchase, I noticed two young
women struggling to get their car started. As a few of us passers-by stopped to
offer our assistance to the stranded women, I noticed their embarrasment turn
to relief as we jokingly explained that this was part of owning a car in Fiji
and discussed options on getting the car started. Eventually we managed to
"push-start" the car and the grateful ladies drove off.
On the way home, I reflected on how we go about both asking
for and offering help. In this day and age of individualism and
self-sufficiency, sometimes it is not that we are reluctant to offer help, but
that we are reluctant to ask for help.While I am not a big fan of all things
"Wiki" (the possible exception being 'Gangnam Style' sensation Psy's
"WikiKorea"), I found the following information from "
WikiHowTo," very informative.
Sometimes we feel that we're totally independent and don't
need any help, or that any person offering us help may be doubting your ability
to remain independent. Sometimes we may be frightened of rejection or may have
a tendency to perfectionism. Both motivations can cause us to avoid accepting
help for fear of failing or being seen as a failure.
If you have had a much harder life than others and had to
work harder than others you see around you now, or you simply feel yourself far
more independent, you might feel that people not handling their own affairs is
a sign of inferiority or incompetence. Sometimes it is just that asking for
help makes us feel vulnerable. Perhaps somebody let you down in the past and
you swore never to let that happen again, and spun a cocoon of self-reliance as
your chief defense. Not wanting to show your perceived vulnerability can cause
you to refrain from asking for help.
Sometimes we believe that that it is a sign of weakness to
reveal any problems at all to any other person.
You may have an unresolved issue of your own that you are essentially
denying or ignoring.
Consequently, you might have an issue with people seeking
help for difficulties, as it serves as a reminder of your own problems that
you're not wanting to face.
Or it may be that you may also have had a lot of difficulty
finding anyone to help you in various times of need, and consequently think
that people just don't help other people.
These examples may sometimes be partnered with a feeling
that it is socially wrong to ask (or to be a burden) to friends and family for
assistance; or are hindered by a personal fear of being judged or portrayed as
weak or inferior. Similar fears are being seen as having friends or family that
are weak or inferior, or being associated with people having problems.
It is suggested that we need to work through how not wanting
to ever seek help is reinforced by unrealistic ideals and wishful thinking.
Sometimes there are conflicting or reinforcing societal ideals that can make it
seem a weakness to seek help. If you understand that these "ideals"
are but one among many approaches to living, you might be better placed to ease
off the obsession with seeing needing help as a weakness.
Consider whether your bias to not ask for or seek
help has any benefit to yourself and others. By keeping yourself or making
yourself aloof from other human beings, you are building an invisible barrier
around yourself that wards off the potential for new relationships and
friendships. You might feel a sense of safety but you are missing out on
learning about reciprocal give and take, where you not only take help but also
provide help in return, all within a compassionate cycle of love,
care, and generosity for all.
Look to reality instead of relying on wishful thinking. For
example, recognise that people are acting in good faith in general.
If another person is being kind in offering help, accepting it at face value is
the first step.
Not all to the challenges we face are provided by Wiki. But
at the very least, this article helped me to begin to understand why it is we
are afraid, ashamed and otherwise reluctant to ask others for help, even when
we desparately need it.
At the same time we can also start to understand others and
why they may be not inclined to ask for help. The onus then is on us to be able
to recognise those who are in need and offer what assistance we can give.
Such is the web of life.
"Simplicity, Serenity, Spontaneity"
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